Following my tutors feedback from my first essay draft, I have decided to renew parts of my draft. There are several areas he himself highlighted and a few of my own which I would like to tackle.
Going through his feedback, I noted the following as important points, both from my own reflection and tutors comments:
- Further balance needed between my points; the reasons why people “make”, what drives them to do so.
- Careful to bring in financial contexts; this is too personal to be defined on a “one size fits all” level.
- Change title as the word “sustainable” can be taken two ways and thus could be seen as a confusing factor.
- Look at the individuals approach rather than a comparison of artistic sincerity. How and why they do it in their own particular way.
- Measuring “success” is a tricky field to cover; thus leave this out?
- Make introduction questions clearer. In line with this introduction cover the following 1. Why I have chosen these artists: Highlights of who they are, similarities and differences between them and what makes them a good case study. 2. Why these artists make and exhibit in their different ways.
- Directly contact the artists, so that assumptions are not made.
- Be carful to tone down my sometimes judgemental use of prose.
- What are the most important values to the artists/designers who I am using?
- Can todays social media stage be used by the artists? If so how? Could this be seen as an art form itself?
- More analysis of reviews to back up the text. Fuller quotes looking at the way other people answer my questions is important to convey the depth of my research.
- Should I leave out the “fine art” parts of my essay, in order to give better focus on one thing rather than too many which I may not cover properly?
I will now think about redrafting my essay, taking the above on board.